Broken Wisdom It may not be perfect, but It's better than your advice


You’re Doing it Wrong, Dating Advice: Why “Nice Guys” will never ask You out

This is part of my push to educate people in the ways of intelligent dating and is an aspect of the system of advice I affectionately refer to as "Get Picky."

Ladies, if you think "I must have terrible taste in men, because I always end up dating assholes" then I have some good news for you. It's not your fault, the odds are stacked against your favor. More often than not the assholes are the only ones who will ask you out. It is not because there is anything wrong with you, they just don't care about you and that makes it easier for them. Allow me to explain.

When a Bro (I use the term "Bro" because they are one of the lowest forms of human beings and generally have no feelings towards the opposite sex that do not originate from their pants) enters a club or bar, they look around at all of the attractive women and think to themselves "Yep, my odds look good tonight!" When he approaches a woman and she turns him down, he just moves on to the next set of walking tits. He has no emotional attachment to the girl he approaches, he has no agenda to fulfill a girls dreams, he has no plans to ever take her out for a romantic dinner that ends with hot chocolate while watching a meteor shower. His end goal is to find someone to share a bed with for a finite period of time. At best he could be looking for a steady lay. Either way, he doesn't actually care about you and therefore he doesn't run the risk of being hurt by you, which is why it is so easy to approach you or ask you out.

However, a Nice Guy IS afraid to ask you out precisely because he does run the risk of being hurt by you. When a Nice Guy enters a club or bar, he looks around and thinks to himself "Do I know anyone here? Better make sure I don't make a fool of myself." A Nice Guy wont approach you, because if you do shoot him down he isn't just going to turn to another girl, think "Hey, she has boobs too" and try again. The Nice Guy will most likely be crushed, lose faith in himself and be convinced that he is not "good enough" (bro-ish enough) to attract women. Unlike the bro, the Nice Guy has everything to lose and is afraid to risk losing it by asking you out.

This should explain why so many women date terrible men. It's not that you have terrible taste. The terrible men are just the only ones actually asking you out.

This behavior can be easily explained if we compare it to the lottery. Very few people would play a lottery with a 1 in 10 chance to win one million dollars if the ticket cost $10,000. It doesn't matter that even if you lose 9 out of 10 times you would still have made $900,000. The initial risk is just too high for most people to even attempt it. Now, if there was a lottery with a 1 in 200 million chance of winning one million (Powerball perhaps?) and the cost of a ticket was only $1, you are going to get a lot of people paying for those tickets. No one really cares if they lose a single dollar. Losing $10,000, now that's a bit scarier.

Nice Girls out there may be wondering why so many Nice Guys date "Skanky Bitches." It's a fair question and deserves a fair answer. Skanky Bitches actually got off their asses and asked these Nice Guys out, because they too had nothing to lose if they were turned down. It really only "cost them a dollar" to try.

(Nice Guys need to get off their asses too)

Thoughts?  Opinions?  Leave a comment below!

Nice guys, if you actually want a great girlfriend you are going to have to do something about it, and the first step is building confidence. If you are tired of being "just a friend", "like a brother to me", or "too nice" then learn how you can change all this by clicking here.

Comments (100) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Love it! all I can say

  2. I’m glad to hear it Kristen. You should give some of your friends a nudge in the right direction

  3. Jenny, it’s the opposite. They don’t ask because they are interested.

  4. Honestly, while it helps for women to ask men out sometimes…it’s generally not how it goes. Women give invitations for guys through smiling and eye contact, it’s the guys job to make the move. “Nice guys” need to understand that being assertive, talking to women, and showing your interest does NOT make you a jerk.

    Swallow your fears and go talk to her, dating is a numbers game. The more women you meet, the more likely you’ll find someone you connect with.

  5. fuckin briliant man. So true.

  6. this…. makes a LOT of sense

  7. This article perfectly describes the pathetic state of modern dating culture. The “assholes” described in this article are actually mostly fully secure individuals with the self-confidence and personality to attract a multitude of women on a regular basis, and thus would rather not limit themselves to a particular girl that may not be right for them in the long run, instead choosing to meet and interact with a variety of people while maintaining the freedom and independence that can only be described as self-loathing insecure nightmares for these so-called “nice guys”.

    Women don’t like “nice guys” because they have incredibly low self-confidence (as described in the article) and the brutal insecurities that allows them to be “crushed” when getting rejected by a girl. Women don’t love “assholes”, they love the individuals that have the self-confidence and dominant personality to grow the balls to walk up and talk to them.

    “Nice guys” lack these qualities, so from an evolutionary perspective they are inferior mates and will never be appreciated because they are what one would call “pussies”. Women like men. Nice guys are scared little boys. And don’t share “statistics” like these and give all those poor souls the illusion that they’re doing something right in the mating game. Grow a pair.

  8. This is actually ingenious. Seriously. It makes so much sense.

  9. Amen! Nice guys ask us out!!! I deserve a nice guy. Where are they?

  10. its cause assholes that date many women have the choice of dating, apparently, any woman.. then they choose you. even if its just a few times – which youll never think because they flatter the pants off you- youre falsely made to feel special.

  11. Umm…your math is a little off ‘miss philisopher’ if you spent 10,000$ and the prize was 1,000,000$ you would have won 990,000$ thats a big difference.

  12. Whether girls admit it or not yall do want ”bro’s”. You dont want the ass hole player but you are attracted to shallow things such as muscles and a pretty boy face. You melt for it every time. So its not a matter of nice guys not asking you out its yall turning them down more than you realize. The girls know who the nice guys are their just not good enough for them. Yall are waiting for prince charming whos just ‘handsome nice guy and perfect’ these guys are rare. Lower your dam standards. Give the guy you never thought twice about another thought just because he doesnt look as good as Tom Cruise. You cant give guys all the blame thats a WHOLE other problem that i dont feel like getting into.

  13. I would add one addendum to all of this discussion. There are two subgroups of men and women out there who are both nice and have confidence, that just take a while to find each other. They are the nice guys and girls with high standards. They could also be called picky. They have the confidence to meet people and socialize, but they don’t always take home everything that bites the hook. Even if they don’t find each other often, they do find each other, and have quite fulfilling relationships. Even if you are getting a lot of bites, looking for the right one is how you in theory win the dating game. That is the healthier part of the dating world. So there are nice guys with balls. They just typically have a high standard. Not all nice guys are pussies.

  14. Interesting article, but very true. See I too get branded the nice guy by both my gender peers. I’m really not interested in a fling, or just a steady lay. I really do respect women and myself. I have a lot more to offer, so I’m looking for that match. So not just any woman out there can do. I would see my boys approach multiple girls for a night, take one, or two home and start again tomorrow a new. That’s just never been me and just not interested. My boy once ask me “how am I so different, because when he lost his virginity he thought I wonder what the rest are like and started his quest”. I never had that, but to each there own.

  15. Nice guy doesn’t mean insecure at least to me. I have no problem approaching a girl, I just not interested in all girls. Nice also doesn’t mean weak, I’m definitely more of a man than most of the cats chasing women. See I’ve heard and read that nice guys put women on pedestals. Well I don’t I just appreciate and respect my women, more so my girl. If she doesn’t respect herself, or me. Then I guess we were just wrong for each other. To each their own (we all have freedom to choose).

  16. There is another factor: if in a club a man starts talking to a woman, and she turns her head to him, be sure that NO OTHER WOMAN WILL TALK TO HIM THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. ONE STRIKE AND YOU ARE OUT. Why? Because women compete among each other: no woman with self-esteem settles for the man who has been dumped (unless he appears rich enough, of course).

  17. This actually makes a lot of sense. It really frustrating when you really like a girl and end up getting “friend zoned”… I usually try to get to know a girl really well before I ask her out, but by that time they usually say I’m too good of a friend and they don’t want to risk hurting our friendship if it didn’t work out. I’ve had plenty of male friends tell me that I’m too nice, but I just cant bring myself to be a jerk to a girl I like.

  18. Part of the problem is that women traditionally don’t have to do anything to get the relationship started except look good and be friendly. The man approaches and the woman just sits in judgment! The man takes all the risk of getting shot down! The woman can reject him for any reason or for no reason at all!

    The whole idea of some dippy, young female being allowed to judge the measure of a man is quite ridiculous! I hate to say it, but the muslim system of unequal rights for women might actually make more sense!

  19. The article was pretty good, but it quickly glossed over the central defining issue! The element of caring! The whole idea of the asshole-jerk or so called “Bro” is based on a man who DOES NOT CARE! In contrast, every true “Nice Guy” is a man who DOES CARE! This single element makes all the difference in women’s choices! And everything boils down to women’s choices!

    The article claims “Nice Guys” will never ask you out! This isn’t really the problem! Plenty of “Nice Guys” have asked for dates and been REJECTED! Women say they don’t want players, but that’s all many of them respond to! Again, women’s choices are key! Will a woman choose a genuine CARING “Nice Guy” with limited dating experience OR a genuine UNCARING jerk who has honed his hump ‘em & dump ‘em dating technique on hundreds of females?

    True “Nice Guys” are beautiful and pure in their CARING! But if women keep rejecting “Nice Guys” and choosing UNCARING jerks, “Nice Guys” will eventually stop CARING and become jerks as well!

  20. i am a nice guy. i approach women day in/out all day every day. trust me sweetheart, it’s not that we don’t try, were just systematically rejected at every oppetunity. so after YEARS of this, we say “screw it” and start investing our money in hookers. at least they are honest about their “price for admission” and everybody’s gonna bringup “confidnce” well ladies who ha more confidence with women? the guy who gets laid by a different woman(s) every single night n all he has to do is ask “my place or yours?” or the guy whose NEVER had a positive experience with getting a woman? funny isn’t it?

  21. Great point,Vince, but the “PUA’s” have to paint guys like us as abnormal and backward ( telling us to “man up” so that we can have more and more rejection for women’s amusement.
    The numbers show that men are approaching less and maybe getting more value
    in the process. I hope that this is true!

  22. Great point, Vince! Unfortunately, the “PUA’s” want to paint us as abnormal and backward , telling us to “man up” and have even more rejections, for the amusement of women.
    Thankfully, the numbers show that men are getting fed up with this and are approaching women a lot less, gaining more value. I hope that this keeps up!

  23. This was a good article but the comments were even better. My “Nice Guy”, James, is too afraid to ask me out even though he knows that I like him. So thanks to all the comments before mine. I understand James a little more now.

  24. To: ‘Your an idiot’

    Not only are you incorrect, but you have also incorrectly used “your,” when “you’re” was required. I realise this post is bordering on two years old, but I digress.

    What you claimed was wrong in the article, was simply due to your inability to comprehend the English language. The author was saying that the only way to guarantee winning the million dollar lottery would have been to purchase 10 x $10,000 tickets. Hence the $900,000 figure. Do you follow it now, or is more dumbing down of the article required?

  25. VINCE YOUR TOTALLY RIGHT ON MAN :) yeah its about time some us real honest nice guys speak the truth about these fucking bitches on facebook, myspace and other social networks and at clubs and bars . Women love to play these silly immature games with our emotions :( Im a real nice honest guy, im single, im average to atheletic looking, ive always tried my best to be a real good person, i dont act like a jerk , i go to clubs every now and then and try to make friends, try to pick up women for friendship and maybe more , but even with my nice guy honesty approach, i still get rejected a lot and THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF , its like why should nice guys even try anymore with these foolish women ?? They are the ones playing this unfair game with our emotions, pretending to be interested in us, but then making every excuse in the world to ignore us or not take me seriously, after a while of being the confident nice guy whos not a pussy, whos not afraid, who actually has the courage to meet women and we still keep on getting the unfair mistreatment by these fucking slutty no good judgemental freaking whores, we will get sick and tired of it. So you tell me women, whats your problem with dating nice average guys?? So you dont like the aggressive jerks who are selfish and not loyal to you?? Well then why do you also reject the nice honest confident men out there?? Is it because you just dont approve our of looks? our age? our race maybe?? I think women, especially good looking bitches always play an unfair game with nice guys in general. Women today are truly the assholes, the liars, the cowards that these dumb cunts always accuse men of being. ANYONE AGREE??

  26. FUCK THIS :)

  27. Self esteem is your own personal view of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Everyone has a different view of themselves, but keeping a positive outlook will benefit you more than a negative one. Many individuals suffer from low self esteem for a variety of reasons and need to build their self esteem in order to succeed in life. Remember, the only one who can make you excel is you and no one else. The same goes for self esteem. The only person who can build up?or consequentially tear down?your self esteem is you. Although other individuals may aide the process, the end decision is yours.;

  28. I asked why this certain guy only asks me out very rarely but when we go out he hugs me and kisses like he can’t get close enough. He never stays the night because he says he has to get sleep in his own bed. I have dated him long enough to know the pattern but I actually miss him physically all the time, kind of like an arm or leg. What I am getting from this article and the responses is that he probably sees a lot of women and has his routine and life just how he likes it. I guess what confuses me is that he can fake how much he likes me when we are together. This is what has kept me hanging on for so long. It is just unbelievable that someone could be that deceitful.

  29. Well, I met a nice guy recently who clearly liked me and then lost his confidence because I accidentally rejected him because I too am very shy. I explained it to him and everything and gave him my number, etc. And nothing. I know he WAS interested, but my honestly and approach probably repelled him. It’s so hard with nice guys, don’t they know that nice women sometimes have to make a move or we will end up being the cat lady? I know it sounds funny, but he is really missing out, I am a super nice person with a ton to offer, and I am not confused about that. Why do nice guys not respect a woman who is willing to ask for what she wants? Believe me, we would rather sit back and be able to be pursued, but you don’t do it. It’s frustrating. Meanwhile, offers aplenty from total jerks. I hate it.

  30. SONICJET, you’ve got a powerful point! Many women say they want a nice, honest, caring, decent guy! But it certainly looks like a lot of them are lying maybe even to themselves! I hate to say it but, the very serious business of finding a mate is made even more difficult by women who don’t really know what they want in men!

  31. Ms. Emma – Your comments could be really helpful to a lot of guys who are similar in attitude to the young man whom you rejected. He approached you and you “accidentally” rejected him? I understand that men are not allowed to believe that THEY could be a prize, but maybe he thought that HE was a super nice person with a ton to offer, and that YOU are missing out, but that you did not want HIM (you sound very convincing).
    Again, I guess that the “total jerks” are winning.

  32. well guys piece of advice if a woman looks at you and smile at you. this means you should go and talk to her really dont say anything big. just say hello i am abc i do this . you. make a joke and then say i would like to spend some more time with you in a better place heres my number give me a call if you are interested. if she start to be bitchy tell her that you are a man and she can in no way role over you. i once went to a girl who was giving all the right signals and when i talk to her she says i have a boyfriend and i am like. well if you are not happy with one stick its not my fault but here i brought you this bottle of bear that you were ogling at. see it is a rule if she looks and you are interested approach if she tries to be a bitch fuck her in return simple.

  33. I simply had to thank you so much once again. I do not know the things that I would’ve tried in the absence of the points discussed by you regarding this concern. It became an absolute scary problem in my view, but encountering your professional approach you resolved the issue made me to weep over fulfillment. I’m happy for your work and as well , trust you recognize what a powerful job you are accomplishing teaching most people with the aid of your websites. I know that you have never encountered all of us.

  34. I have to agree and laugh a little, not at anyone but with the conversation. I was raised to respect women and be good to them (the golden rule right). I met this beautiful woman with piercing blue eyes and a great figure but she wouldn’t or didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me other than saying hi. I thought to myself what do I have to do to get her attention? So I became the consummate “asshole” it worked and I ended up married to her for 21 years. I changed myself only enough to catch her attention but I didn’t change who I was or for that matter who I am.
    If you want the girl do what you have to to get her but it doesn’t mean it has to change you. All of these jackwagons out their that are just find em, F*()k em and forget em don’t matter in the grand scheme of things because when they call you the next day (because you gave them your number right!) take them to breakfast or for coffee I think they want a man not a bullshitter and I believe they will respect you enough to see what they have been missing.

  35. So I guess because I ask out girls I am an asshole instead of a decent guy? That’s what the article is suggesting right? Are because I usually get shut down does that mean I am a nice guy instead of an asshole who succeeds?

    Typical article with a typical message that only involves half truths.

  36. @ circlebill You are Stupid dude, women are NOT unequal under Islam. Got women issues? Too bad. But leave religion out of it loser.

  37. I agree that so-called nice guys would benefit from being more fearless but I also believe that the easiest way to be confident is to lose attachment to the outcome; this is often described as ‘asshole’ or ‘jerk’ behavior because the guy in this mindset does not care about the result, or in other words, he has thick skin and doesn’t care if he is rejected or judged. This comes across as a security and confidence, and tends to put women at ease.

    In other words, power is highly seductive, and the easiest way to portray power is simply not to give a shit, or at least be able to hide that you give a shit.

    The problem with “nice” (shy, kind, respectful, serious) is that when the nice guy signals interest and asks a girl out he often appears needy, boring, and apologetic (low status). At best, he will be accepted as a friend, and will be treated like a girlfriend.

    I sympathize with women, because they are often attracted to guys that don’t care. And yet, if a so-called nice guy signals interest and shows that he cares, as they often do, this can feel overwhelming at best, and at worst, creepy. So you have a situation where the creep who uses women gets the girls and the good shy guy gets rejected as creepy.

    I don’t think the problem is so much that nice guys are not asking girls out enough, I think the problem is that nice guys need to care less. at least initially, develop thicker skin, and be neither an all-out asshole nor a nice guy.

    Women want respect, but like men, they don’t appreciate something or someone that comes too easily.

  38. I consider myself a Nice Girl. And I think I now understand why this guy I’ve been talking to for the past couple of months won’t officially ask me out. He’s a Nice Guy. We’ve been on many dates, but since our first date (it was the first time we met, which was through a mutual friend), we’ve acted like a couple, doing the usual things young couples do, except sex. He’s never officially asked me to be his girlfriend and I don’t know if he ever will. Or maybe, there’s a bigger reason why he hasn’t asked me out. :/

  39. I just want to chime in about how stupid books on dating are…especially the “How to meet women” or “Be Mr. Irresistible” variety. Yes, the “Bro” mentality is effective but it works on women with low self esteem. I have guy friends who are like this and even in long term relationships they tend to treat their girlfriends and even wives like crap (not abusive mind you but definitely disrespectful) I actually know they have cheated on their spouses or girlfriends. If a woman falls for those “double your dating” tactics well it says something very negative about her. The article is right, men who are good at this technique only want a steady lay. They actually talk badly about their wives and girlfriends when they aren’t around…if they aren’t cheating on them, which they will given half a chance.
    I’ve honestly never been that guy. I have too much of a conscience I suppose. Moreover, I’m looking for something meaningful. I’m an attractive guy, I have a job I’m good at and that I love. I lead a pretty charmed life. I’m not perfect, I’ve been around the block. I’ve broken some hearts and had mine broken a couple times as well. This has lead me to be picky. I’m intentionally looking for the woman who is grounded enough to be my friend and lover. That is what a life long commitment will entail. Odds are that I won’t find that picking up some random woman in a bar…plus alcohol impairs judgement anyway. Women shouldn’t be afraid to make the first move… I can’t stress that enough. This is 2013, we should be well beyond antiquated gender roles. I personally don’t assume a woman is easy because she initiates flirting. I assume she knows what she wants and that can be very attractive. Honestly, I know many women find this quality attractive about me. I’m just genuine and sincere. If I’m not interested in a woman I’m polite but I don’t lead her on. My female friends do this as well. Gentlemen, it will benefit you to have platonic female friends. A woman can ALWAYS teach you more about how to meet women than any man can. Sometimes, and this has happened for me, that friendship can become something more but that isn’t the reason for having a female friends. I think people throw around the term “friendzone” too easily. Look, if a woman just wants to be your friend it could mean she simply isn’t attracted to you physically which shouldn’t be taken personally…maybe you can use that inspiration to hit the gym. However, if you are “friends” with a woman simply because you want to get into her pants she DOES notice. Think about it…you’re being deceptive on many levels. First, friendship should be about the person. Think…what is it you like about her? Does having sex with her make that any different or better? It really doesn’t. It’s ok to find her attractive (that’s just human nature after all) but your friendship should not consist of you always hoping she will want to get into bed with you one day. Rather than pine over her maybe you can look at the traits of her PERSONALITY that you find attractive and then maybe ask her how you could go about meeting a nice girl. The firendzone isn’t a bad thing and believe me women often have friendzone woes as well. Just don’t enter into a friendship if friendship isn’t going to be enough. I’ve had female friends with whom I became lovers…sometimes it made things really awkward but other times it strangely made us better friends. I’ve also become good friends with an ex or two…nothing creepy if you ask because it simply meant we respected each other enough to know that even though we didn’t work out romantically we could still be friends.
    I really want something enduring…if I just wanted to get laid I could do that but it really doesn’t turn me on anymore. What I like is the person. I’ve been on both sides of this whole debate and a lot of dating advice guys will try to tell you how to play “The Game”. Ask yourself: Do you want games? Hey, if you want meaningless sex then go for it. By all means, those methods do work. However, if you are looking for more than a one night stand and maybe are just a bit shy then here are a few things to know.
    1. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy and go to the gym. Women like a nice body just as much as men do.
    2. Put pride in your work/career. Nothing is sexier than someone who works effectively…male or female. It’s not about making a ton of money. It’s about having confidence.
    3. Make healthy eye contact. Don’t glare or stare at anyone…that’s just creepy.
    4. Say, hi. It doesn’t take much, just be friendly. You know how to do this in some aspect of your life if you’re able to hold a job at all.
    5. Don’t use pick-up lines…ever.
    6. Be yourself. Too many people fake being someone else to be attractive. That is stupid and dishonest. You don’t have to divulge all of your flaws but just be who you are. Honesty is important no matter what.
    7. Have some self respect. Don’t let anyone use or manipulate you. If they do just walk away.

    The rest is up to you but always try to keep things simple. If you want a good relationship DON’T PLAY GAMES.

  40. You’re wrong in so many ways. Nice guys do ask these girls out, the girls turn them down. That’s why you might hear a nice guy say something like “i’m afraid to ask her out” why? cuz in the past every single time they tried, the girl turned them down.

    I have not met one girl who didn’t have a guy in there life who brought them flowers & tried as hard as they could to let the girl know they’re interested. That same girl, just avoids that guy.

    Perhaps it’s not actually the guy who is afraid, but the girl.

    When the girl sees that this guy is romantic, and brings her flowers, and calls her beautiful, she might be thinking “if I go out with him & it doesn’t work out, i’ll never find true love” whereas with a douchebag it’s like “pshhh this guy has no chance, i’m sure i’ll find my soulmate after i’m done with this guy”

    You’ll notice women do this a lot actually, “what would you like to eat?” “ummmm idk, i’m not sure….” Can you think of the perfect meal? “ummm idk, uhhh omg freaking out uhh umm you pick it”

    What type of job would you like?

    “umm idk, i’m not sure what I want to do ummmm uhhh freaking out uhhh STARBUCKS k cool, I can totally do that till I figure out what I really want”

    it’s a leap of faith for a girl to actually take what she really wants, so she passes on the golden oppurtunities.

    But don’t worry nice guys, you’ll still be earning money & knowledge & eventually when the girl has no other options, she’ll pick you. The question is, will you still pick her?

    A real nice guy would say yes. As unconditional love is a beauty that nice guys A.K.A prince charming thrives at. It was love at first site unconditionally. For richer or poorer, better or worse, only a true love will resite the marriage verse & do it out of there own heart not something you chose to rehearse.

    “they’re just not asking” lololol. Believe me, the second that nice guy saw you the first thing they did was pickup your books, ask for your name & say “that’s a beautiful name, it goes nicely with your eyes”

    They’re just not asking hahahhaahahahha

  41. i have a problem with women and it is there is this one girl/woman i love but i have one problem i feel like if i say it to her she will turn me down and leave me heart broken, she is the only one for me

  42. Thanks for finally writing about >You

  43. I’m a nice guy and I’ve never had a girlfriend. Most of the women I meet disgust me. They are entitled, selfish, spoiled princesses. They’re out there looking for men they can use. They might even marry them, but will just divorce them and take his money and kids when she gets bored. I’m just going to keep looking. If I end up alone so what? That would be much better than having to put up with the typical woman every day for the rest of your life.

  44. Personally, this whole alpha vs. beta dilemma hits close to home. How do you expect a man to be confident when you barely acknowledge him when he walks in the room? How do you expect him to express his feelings when he’s never had someone that’s shown any interest? I could go on. Beta males are not losers, they’re simply people who have been kicked whilst they’re down once to often. By rejecting them you are only causing them to withdraw further, denying them the right to a healthy loving relationship. Don’t be surprised when you turn around and find that the decent, loving people you now want to settle down with have either lost interest in companionship altogether, or turned into the shallow assholes you used to date.

  45. I think this is spot on.
    As a reasonably attractive, fit, reasonably witty, positive perspectived, happy, petite woman over 35 (who looks 32) I rarely if EVER get asked out.
    I do have a well developed “no-a**hole” policy and am VERY good at deflecting their advances. “No-jerk” in this front door.
    However, no nice guys seem to have the balls to come up to me at all. Ever! I can count on one hand the times I have been asked out by nice guys. Which usually lead to a great series of dates and going our separate ways, amicably due to differences in personality. Always amicable and always a good time.

    My nice guy friends of decades tell me they don’t understand why I am single…well, I tell them, because you all think girls who ask you out could be desperate, or needy, or something wrong with them. I usually ask them if I am “hitting home” with that assessment, and they have each sheepishly agreed. I said well then do you think I am any of those things? They respond emphatically “NO, com’on, you’re cool, I love you, why would you say something like that”. OK DOUBLE STANDARD!!
    Regardless, if I have taken the initiative in the recent past (regardless of the previous paragraphs notes). If doing an online dating site, or out with friends at a bar, or a friends picnic in the park, or birthday parties or just plain old parties at aquantences apartments. The is rarely ever a moment when a single guy will come and strike up a real conversation. The married or coupled guys seem to have no issue with this somehow. And online dating is just RIDICULOUS, the exchange goes much like this…The guy “Hey I see your profile, you seem cool”. Me (at lunch break from work the next day) “Hi, thanks for the note, hope your day is going well.” The guy (usually responding relatively soon after or within the day): “Hey, I see you’ve been to such and such place and like to travel, that’s cool. What other places have you been”. And this thing goes on like this for 3 or four minor exchanges. Then The Guy typically says something eluding to my schedule on the weekend.
    I then respond with “I’d like to make time to meet, how about getting togther for a tea, coffee or drink somewhere”. AND THEN “POOF” “GONE” like magic…no sign, no warning, no more emails, no plan.
    If this were just one incident I would chalk it up to the one dude being skiddish or timid or something, but this has happened upwords of 5 times. No explanation…and I am not a convicted criminal that they would have looked up on-line and found some dark secrets about either.

    I have become so exasperated by this behavior that I went on a search of trying to understand why (including asking my good guy friends again). All I can come up with is I didn’t let them persue me. This was the main answer I have found…I didn’t act aloof and wanted to make a plan and I intimidated them…as in may have come off as agressive. For making a plan to meet and see if we like each other??? Wow!!
    Haha, if you saw me or spent any time with me you would see how ridiculous that is. I do have opinions, I do like smart conversation, I like to laugh and make choices of what and where to eat. But by no means am I going to be agressive about it. I have my own mind, but agressive I am not.

    Anyway, show me a nice guy who takes care of himself, is healthy, and thinks positively who has the backbone to ask a girl out and I guarantee you he will find a girlfriend. Either that, or he isn’t seeing me and only asking out the girl whose 5′-9″, perfectly tanned skin, and teaches yoga.

    I think the “girls only date assholes” is total balony…only girls who don’t have any self worth do that…all the rest of us are trying happily live our lives and would love to share it with a good guy.

  46. As a woman with dating experience, I must admit your revelations about lowlife men is accurate.
    But I think you were WAY off when it comes to the nice guys.
    A man that won’t make a move to ask me out comes across as weak and uninterested.
    Not the type I want to share my life with.
    I want a man who is strong and wise and smart enough to be with me!
    As a woman, let me assure you, that if I have to make all the gestures of interest, I would always have to be the one.

  47. pretty valuable material, all in all I imagine this is worthy of a bookmark, thanks a lot

  48. So now, the women are going to say that men need to approach women and ask them out , instead of women asking men out, because men will value the woman more for the effort it takes.
    Then, why would men approach at all, and make this “too easy” for women and leave women thinking that men were needy and desperate? You cannot support this double standard.

  49. and some of us men look at the cost/benefit analysis and reject the whole notion of an attempt at a relationship. Statistically, the majority of relationships end in tragedy, and knowing how that feels, I don’t see the point. If one of my goals in life were to have children I might, but I don’t. Don’t give me the shakespeare bullshit about how it’s better to have loved and lost either, that only builds character. Some of us are shameless and don’t need character to live contently.

    Now, regarding the actual topic of the article(lol), I think women should be more encouraged to be more obvious about what they want from opposite sex. Men are typically forced into a guessing game about what he should do and how he should do it, or what he should be to her, which is pretty impossible to know most of the time. Games are supposed to be fun, not unnecessarily terrifying.

  50. To: You’re Stupid

    You should do a little research on Islamic nations. Women are indeed treated as second class citizens in these places! Saudi Arabia and other nations where Islam prevails have many abuses toward women! It was in the news that a woman was raped by many men and after she complained to the official authorities, she was sentenced to receive lashed of the whip for her crime in being outside without her husband! Muslim Sharia law is terrible for women! Many women leave Islamic nations to escape the legalized abuse! It’s terrible! Please look up Sharia Law in Islamic countries!

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